By Katie Helmreich
Being organized and on top of all the details has never really been my thing. I try to dance on the line of enough but not too much, simplified but not sloppy, pulled together but not up tight. Some days are better than others.
This year? I’m tellin’ you: this year I had it all together. It was a beautiful thing.
The pages in my planner had lists of to-do lists, so I could delegate when the time came. I had written down which appetizers I’d bring to which party so that I wouldn’t have to make a million last minute grocery trips. I had a basic meal plan for the three days we’re hosting my family. I had a list of baked goods ranked in order of importance by the kids.
Sure, our day-to-day life was distracting; but I was confident that, when the time came, I’d be ready to pull out my plug-n-play plan!
Then I lost the planner.
It took a few days before I really started to get twitchy. I figured I’d set it somewhere weird, and it would turn up eventually? (The out of the way, bizarre parts of our house are all a lot cleaner now.)
It didn’t turn up.
I tried to sit down and recreate the lists I’d thought through before, but couldn’t get anywhere. I’d already had it under control. I don’t want to do it again…
I got angry.
Stress levels climbed.
Last night, eleven days after the planner went MIA, I came unglued. It’s 5 days until Christmas!!! Even twinkle lights don’t make that kind of panic pretty.
You know the drill: take the one thing, and make it say bigger things, like how you’re a total failure at X, Y, and Z. Catastrophize how much there is to do and how long it will take to catch up. Over-dramatize the impact it will have on how special each Christmas moment will be without this plan of all plans…
Fortunately, I’ve been practicing a different drill lately. And while I didn’t want to calm down, the Holy Spirit kept nudging me back to the Prayer of Examen, a tool God has been using to bless me recently. Here’s what that looked like for me:
1) Notice Your Emotions in the Presence of Jesus
Lord Jesus, I am a ball of emotion and panic. I notice I’m feeling overwhelmed, misunderstood, disappointed, frustrated, discouraged… But you’re here with me, and wrapped snugly in your arms, I notice I’m angry about what I’m making this say about me, not necessarily about the things I need to do. I’m also angry because I’d really like my planner back instead of learning a difficult lesson right now…
I want so badly to make Christmas magical for my kids! Magical for me! I want to show up to our gatherings with friends and family with a smile instead of stress. I want to be the one who has it all together, not the one who’s falling apart…
2) Prayerfully consider your life and God’s Word
If I could hear you speaking to me right now, Jesus, you would remind me that falling apart is what brought me here to sit on your lap, and that there’s no better place to be. You’d remind me that my family and friends are glad to share time with me, with or without a fancy homemade dip. You’d remind me of how much I’ve grown in various areas of my life, and you’d celebrate those steps with me rather than getting angry about how I remain less-than-perfect.
You’d remind me you haven’t lost your plan, and it’s better than my lists.
I am not in charge of making Christmas magical. Christmas came that way. Magic isn’t even the right word. Messiah fits better.
My Christmas Messiah came to a lost and broken world. A world that didn’t have the White Elephant or class exchange gift ready to go. A world that didn’t have a plan for dish-to-pass-appetizer-amazingness. That didn’t even have an actionable plan for hosting (see “no room in the inn”).
Christmas Jesus still came. Because you love us, even in our least organized moments.
3) Look Forward to Tomorrow
So, I can rest. I am forgiven and loved. I am secure in you. Whether or not my planner turns up, tomorrow will be a new day with Jesus. I’ll follow you and trust that your perfect plan will be enough. Amen.
The whirlwind stilled; I loosened my grip, and rested.
I kid you not, my planner turned up this morning. I found it in a bag I rarely use. One I swear I checked at least twice… But this morning, there it was.
The plans I thought I had ready to go weren’t nearly as good as I remembered. I think I’ll be able to make better choices in a few places. I may need to keep re-reading this note I’m leaving myself, but I hope to dwell in the peace-filled presence of my Christmas Messiah, even while I move through check-lists these next few days.
If you perhaps lost your planner, the one with literally all the plans for this Christmas, remember that the One who literally IS Christmas still loves you.
He still has plans for you. Chances are, they’re even better.
As always…..spot on, Katie!